Why Are We Celebrating Tiger Woods?

I’m Looking At You Barack

You’re so fucking predictable, America. You’ll fall for any story of redemption. I get it. We are all starved for any feel good news. Even I’m watching cat videos. And I hate cats. My Facebook feed is crammed with feline follies entitled, “Because You’ve Interacted With Videos Like This”. It makes me feel dirty and shameful.

Speaking of dirty and shameful, Tiger Woods was fucking prostitutes and groupies. Remember???????

Do you recall his darling wife, mother of his two beautiful children, moved to rage and teeing off at him and his car. Literally. She grabbed the nearest iron and tried to make his head and fender a dog leg left.

As Tiger’s shameful infidelities were exposed, stories started to surface that Tiger wasn’t the man we thought we married either. Long protected as golf’s savior, the Tiger facade started to crack. This initial fissure gave rise to tales of rude and entitled behavior. Rather than being the golden boy of the tour, people thought he was a dick.

Oh and then he was suspected of using performance enhancing drugs to manage knee and back problems. He sought the assistance of disgraced Canadian doctor, Mark Lindsay whose other notable client was A Rod. Side note: hoping for J Lo’s sake Alex has ditched the peepee shrinkers.

Lest we not forget the DUI? Toxicology reports uncovered a sundae of Vicodin, Dilaudid, Xanax, Ambien and good old-fashioned pot as the cherry on top.

But last weekend Tiger Woods won the most prestigious golf tournament on the PGA Tour, The Masters. It’s a feat to win it once, let alone a 5th time…after a THIRTEEN years hiatus.

But does he deserve a congratulatory tweet from Barack Obama, devoted husband, father and humble public servant? Come back, Barack. We miss you.

Does he deserve a Medal of Freedom? Consider the decision maker on that one…

Let’s give credit where credit is due. Tiger Woods, The Athlete, is the greatest golfer of our generation. Now that he is back playing to his full athletic potential, he may be capable of breaking all records of the greats that went before him. For that, I’m willing to acknowledge and congratulate his athletic prowess and achievements.

But in my book, Tiger Woods, The Man, is a lying, cheating, weak and dishonorable cad. We need to stop celebrating an athletic trophy as proof of a moral redemption. To me, a tiger can’t change his stripes.