We’re Here to Pump You Up!

Due to the hard work and generosity of my dear husband and the relative absence of my school-aged children, I have the time to schedule my life a bit like a summer camp session. Under the guise of “improving” myself, I spend quite a lot of time in exercise classes and other sundry activities.

I could just go to the gym, jump on a treadmill and figure out some plan for lifting weights, but I need a little more structure than that. So I rely on the expertise and encouragement of instructors to keep motivated. It’s just that some of their catch phrases irk me a bit.

I’m not a huge fan of yoga although I am coming to appreciate it more and more. Part of my issue is that you are supposed to be undergoing something deep and meaningful. These are “experiences” I try to avoid.

Yoga instructors always have a sing-songy quality to their delivery that I find neither relaxing nor calming. I’m particularly put off by the phrase, “If that’s available to you today.” It’s supposed to make you feel better when you can’t wrap your arm through your leg, up around your neck and pick your own nose. How should I know if it’s available? Is there a particular season? Is there a list I have to get on? Was I supposed to sign up? Are you just being a dick and keeping it from me?

My spinning instructor has a couple of doozeys. My second to least favorite is, “find the mountain you need, not the mountain you want.” Let me be clear, mountains are not on my wish list. And I’m not going to have some magical emotional breakthrough because I turned the dial on the STATIONERY bike so far to the right that my quads snap. Did I mention the bike is standing still?

His other go-to is, ”good morning!” It’s not an initial greeting. He repeats it no less than 5 times during the hour. What he really means is, “Haha, that sequence fucked you up. You cannot moderate your competitiveness and you followed all my instructions. You’re in pain and dangerously close to myocardial infarction. “

It also triggers a Groundhog Day type loop if Groundhog Day had been a horror flick. I imagine his bleach bond pixie punim, accentuated by lash extensions, repeatedly rolling over next to me and waking me up from a deep sleep. I try to scream but my mouth is covered with duct tape.

My horse trainer likes to tell me, “ride the horse to the jump”. This instruction usually follows an instance where my horse has decided to be a total asshole and has refused said jump. Look, I’ve pointed a 1500 pound animal towards a fixed object. My expectations are that I’m going to hang on for dear life and that fucker’s gonna jump. If I’m still on his back, one point for me, I’m riding.

I’ve also been giving meditation a go. I’m not going to deny that there are some noticeable benefits, however sitting quietly while trying to quash the deluge of random thoughts I have at a rate of 10,000 per second is, well, let’s just call it an opportunity for growth. This one guru always begins with, “sit and know that you are sitting.” My ass is touching the ground, what the fuck else would I be doing? Maybe this meditation shit isn’t working.

Gun Control, Abortion and Freedom of Speech, Oh My!

WARNING:  PLEASE read this with your intellect, not your emotion. I have thoughts. Not answers. But I welcome, no I crave, thoughtful conversation.

POLICY STATEMENT:  I like shooting guns. I would own some if I didn’t have children in the house. I would feel safer. I believe there should be a limit to what guns can be privately owned and by whom.

I believe that a woman has the right to choose what happens to her own body. The legality of abortion was legislated almost 50 years ago. Limiting a woman’s access to care is unlawful.


Yesterday, a photo of 7,000 pairs of children’s shoes on the Capitol lawn went viral. The shoes represented the estimated number of children killed by any kind of gun violence since the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary. It was a chilling sight.

I was instantly reminded of the drive I used to make down I-35 from Austin to San Antonio where rows of white crosses were installed to represent aborted fetuses. It was a chilling sight.

Each of these displays is a constitutionally protected expression of political position, highly charged with emotion. When I saw the shoes, I was overcome with grief and fear and disgust that our children are at grave risk: at school, at places of worship, at concerts. When I came upon the crosses, I was enraged and repulsed at the judgmental display thrust in my face.

But is there a difference? I’m worried that maybe there isn’t. Yesterday’s realization was that someone on the opposite side of the political spectrum feels just what I do but in reverse.

Some news articles referred to the architects of the Capitol demonstration as activists. I had FB friends refer to it as “powerful art”. I doubt they would have been as complimentary of the white crosses. But wasn’t the intent of each of these displays to invoke emotion to spur legislative change? Doesn’t each expose a truth?

At the end of the day, the intended purpose of a gun is to kill. You can try to mitigate the end result by saying guns are sport. But when you go to a firing range, you are shooting at targets outlining bodies. If you go hunting, you are there to bring down an animal. I wish gun enthusiasts would acknowledge that truth and that the tools of the trade should be limited and controlled. All you have to do is go to any firing range in any city and you will know by instinct that there are people standing next to you with the capability and intent to leave you with a closet full of empty shoes. They should not own guns.

And here’s the bitter pill that those of you who share my views must swallow. The purpose of an abortion is to end a life. You can argue viability, but when you’ve heard a heart beating at 7 weeks, it’s tough to deny the statistical likelihood that this little fucker will be able to wake you up in the middle of the night 1000 times before his 7th birthday. I think the argument to protect Roe v Wade and to increase access to abortions would be strengthened if we acknowledge the truth that electing to bring a child into the world is not always emotionally, financially or physically the responsible choice. But it should be a choice.

These issues are certainly bigger than the bullion I’ve concentrated them into. I know this is all rife with slippery slope arguments and as I acknowledged above, I HAVE NO ANSWERS. I discuss these two issues together, not as any kind of moral equivalency, but only because of my personal emotional response to two demonstrations.

I look forward to your thoughts… I think.

In Honor of International Women’s Day: #freethecooch

I cannot understand the need of some women to wear underwear to bed.

After a long day, you need to unwind. Do you think your vajayjay feels any differently? You’ve kept her cooped up in panties, confining jeans and workout clothes. Or maybe you have a real job and there could be synthetic fabrics imprisoning your lady bits. Nightime is the rightime. To let her breathe.

What is the purpose of the panties? Are you afraid something is going to crawl up there? Or worse, is something going to crawl out?

Men may wear boxers to bed. But those let the dudes dangle. You never see a man wear tighty whities to bed. If you do, dial 911 as you run. Try to save as many of the others as you can on your way out.

I get it if it’s a little panty and baby doll action. But underpants, literally UNDER pants? To sleep? There may be times when a little belt and suspenders approach is necessary. But the other 28 days, let her exhale.

In this age of renewed exuberance for women and our innate power, may I suggest that this be the next cause we champion. I believe that some of you got the message when you were little that your VAGINA (since this is my feminist paragraph I’m going to stop belittling our genitalia with cutsey names) is dirty and it should be confined and hidden. (NOTE: if yours is dirty you can stop reading. And we can stop being friends.) It is not. It is a self-cleaning oven and you need to leave the door open so it can cool off.

I know some of you will brag that you don’t ever wear underwear. I also know that you’re postmenopausal and it’s all Grapes of Wrath up in there.              (100 points to Gryffindor for any of you that get the reference)

If nothing else, you’ll reduce your laundry load. I say #freethecooch!

I Am An Addict

I am an addict. And I have hit rock bottom.

My addiction has made me sick, weakened me to a place where I can barely function. For so long I refused to address the true underlying cause of my illness, instead just managing the symptoms. Overmedicating for temporary relief but returning to my state of dysfunction because the high was so good, so tasty. I have few vices. I deserve this.

My addiction is wheat and sugar. I know you just laughed a little. You’re used to me being funny so it’s okay. But I’m not joking. Somehow, somewhere, my body went into hyper speed attack mode and the resulting imbalance has left me with almost debilitating sinusitis and asthma. I have no sense of smell, possibly a blessing with three sons. But also, no sweet scent memories of my last infant. I rarely sleep the night through without waking up sneezing and wheezing and coughing. I am constantly clearing my throat, blowing my nose and huffing on an inhaler. I spend my mornings with a hacking cough, clearing my lungs as if I am a carton-a-day smoker with pneumonia. I am in a state of chronic illness.

I have tried every internet potion, vitamin concoction and nasal inhalant and rinse. I have had sinus surgery. I have even swabbed my nose with Kimchi juice. Seriously. Because I read internet testimonials that promised a cure. Just to avoid giving up tuna melts on bagels, pasta with meat sauce, nightly ice cream sundaes, and yes, probably my elixir of goodness, bourbon.

I went about two weeks without the white stuff. Flour and sugar, come on. And there was marked improvement. I was sleeping a full 8 hours, waking up without black circles under my eyes. I was able to breathe through my nose and I no longer produced copious amount of mucous and phlegm. My sense of smell seemed to be lurking there somewhere but wasn’t quite back. It was definite progress. So I started adding things back in.

Wait, I can’t bullshit you. That sounds like I had half a piece of toast. I actually consumed 7 beignets covered in powdered sugar in one sitting, a hot dog, burgers, pizza, Coca-Cola, tons of pasta, heaping helpings of lasagna and several consecutive days of after-dinner sundaes (Trader Joe’s Vanilla Ice Cream with Hershey’s new 5 ingredient chocolate sauce. Trust me on this.) culminating with easily half a bottle of bourbon at an Oscar party, all over the course of a week.

And I am so sick. Again.

Here’s the rub. I may have been a casual partaker of illicit substances at times in my life. I can take it or leave it. Even with my love of the all things brown and distilled, I can easily go weeks without having the desire to imbibe. But with savory carbohydrates and cold sweet icy desserts, I have no moderation switch. My inner voice says it’s a reward I’ve earned. I don’t do anything “bad” so I’m allowed this outlet. And my metabolism has condoned the excess. I don’t mean to brag but it’s all still the right size in the right place, no matter what I eat. Let’s face it. I’m relatively vain so if my eating habits had made me fat, I would have certainly been more motivated to curb my piggyness.

But I am so tired of suffering and not recovering. I am not exaggerating when I tell you how truly miserable I feel. All the time. Imagine having your worst cold. For eight years. And not knowing if you would ever be healthy again. It’s exhausting and depressing.

So I’m coming out to you to hold me accountable while I hop back on the wagon. Be my sponsor and feel free to comment with your own vices. I’m here for you. Also, I take tremendous pleasure in the suffering of others. Not really. Just don’t leave me hanging out here alone in the Forest of Truth.

Not Exactly a Win for Tenacity

I’ve missed you. So sorry for the radio silence. But I was completely derailed by losing my blog journal.

I was on a flight home from New York and wrote two entries. They weren’t final drafts by any stretch of the imagination but they were thoughts out of my head and on paper.

I remember standing up to deplane and seeing my pencil still in the seat pocket and thinking that was strange. Clearly not strange enough to recheck if I’d squirreled away anything else. I was tired and couldn’t wait to get off the stale Influenza Incubator. Especially because I was in a panic, legitimately so, having not made time to get a flu shot yet this year. The year of the pandemic. At least my kids would make a killing with a GoFundMe campaign.

And I was sick of my seat-mates. I was sandwiched in the middle because I made my arrangements last minute and because I was too cheap to “upgrade” my seat. Why the fuck should I pay Delta more money to sit in a seat that still doesn’t have enough legroom for my gargantuan 5 foot body?

The strange woman on the aisle appeared to be on a self guided tour of the US, party of one. I couldn’t read the Japanese on her phone but the Hollywood Walk of Fame is fairly recognizable. Clearly the snack pack food was a novelty. It required close up examination and tiny nibbles to decipher. I’m certain you have salt and sugar in your country. Just eat the fucking crackers and chocolate squares. And she refused to get up when our row companion had to pee…4 times. So I had to straddle 26D. At least I had the opportunity to experiment with front or rear facing. For the record, one is no less awkward than the other but each is deserving of a tip.

Molly Millennial with the weak bladder was on the window. She was thoughtfully engaged in a business plan for her olive oil business. She was enthusiastically attempting to convince her audience, venture capital I’m guessing, that she and her partners fulfilled the critical void of helping pretentious assholes like her determine the perfect olive oil for their palate. It’s a real website. Yes I looked it up. And she’ll probably get $100 million in funding, enough to buy antibiotics for her recurrent UTI until she learns to pee after sex, while I’m here being a non-writer because I’m sulking about my lost journal.

Which brings me back to my point. It’s not that those blogs were going to knock your socks off or anything, but in my feeble mind, they were supposed to be the next two.

I’ve tried everything. I went back to LAX and spoke to the baggage claim lost and found. They were so unhelpful I’m not convinced they aren’t just passengers that couldn’t find their flight to Des Moines. I emailed some central clearing house for lost items. A lovely man, Robert, and I have been corresponding. He is quite sympathetic but he may just be a Russian bot with comforting AI.

So this is me ripping the band aid off and starting again. I hope you’re still along for the ride. Maybe make me feel better and tell me what has derailed you from untold riches and world-renowned fame.

Bullets and Sudafed

I originally wrote a post about gun violence on my personal Facebook page May 28, 2014. Recently I had been thinking about republishing this post on my blog now that I am, you know, a writer. I was waiting for a time when gun violence was not the topic in the news in the hopes of sidestepping the “now is the time for prayer, not gun debate” that follows every mass and school shooting. But in light of TWO school shootings yesterday, (cough) BULLSHIT.

I HAD TO LOOK UP WHICH SHOOTING TO WHICH I WAS RESPONDING!!!! There have been so many, I couldn’t pinpoint which one had set me off.

I could have reworked this entry and just published it anew. But I think it more powerful for you to see NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Well, except maybe one thing. The gun lobby is winning; I see my own reactions to gun violence waning in disgust and sadness.

2012, I remember having to pull my car over and call my husband when I heard about Newton. Tears streamed down my face as a force of fear and sorrow pierced through every fiber of my heart like I’ve never felt. Babies. Someone’s baby. My elementary school aged babies. At risk.

Two years later, the event that precipitated this entry was the shooting in Isla Vista. A catastrophic disruption in the lives of carefree students roaming the neighborhood of UCSB where my husband once cavorted. Babies. Someone’s baby. My babies, someday. At risk.

And now, Vegas, or the shootings yesterday, I feel numb. A resignation that it can happen anywhere, to anyone. BECAUSE WE HAVE DONE NOTHING. We have allowed our politicians to ignore the issue, instead allowing ourselves to be distracted by the scandal of the day. Sure, I’m concerned about Russian intervention in elections, but not as concerned as I am about the safety and well being of my babies. And yours.

So I resubmit to you: Bullets and Sudafed

Every few weeks I have a pang as I drop off my children at school. Is this the last time I’ll see you? Is that the last “I love you” you’ll hear from me? For a fleeting moment, I worry if gun violence will steal away the most precious things I have. How can we be living in a society like this?

I am angry and distraught.

I am disgusted.

I am an allergy sufferer.

The Combat Methamphetamine Epidemic Act of 2005 was included in the Patriot Bill signed by President George Bush, Republican, on March 9, 2006. When I go to the pharmacy, I have to swipe my driver’s license. The DEA tracks my purchase of psuedoephedrine and limits the amount I can buy monthly. In order to comply with the law, retailers are required to keep my personal information for at least two years after my purchase.

From the FDA website: The side effects, which arise from the use and abuse of methamphetamine, include irritability, nervousness, insomnia, nausea, depression, and brain damage.

And the side effects from the use and abuse of bullets?

A reality of our society is that the government is constantly tracking and compiling information on its citizens. Why can’t we enact legislation that puts the same controls on bullets that we do on allergy medication? In all of these mass shootings, a stockpile of ammunition is uncovered. Forget about the types of weapons people feel they have a right to own. Let’s track the sale of bullets. Perhaps the ATF would be interested in investigating an individual who is buying large amounts of ammunition?

I am sick and tired of hearing 2nd Amendment defenders cry about their personal liberties. I guess none of them are allergy sufferers.



I May Have Verbally Assaulted a 13 Year Old. You Would Have Too.

I consider myself well-read, well-informed and current on the issues facing our society. I’m sensitive to the plight of the disenfranchised. I’m woke, as the young folk say.

But I have been living in an echo chamber; believing that while I may have an occasional debate over economic issues or foreign affairs, most people around me in my comfortable liberal LA neighborhood have similar social views to me. Well I was wrong.

I picked up my son, Aidan, and three of his friends from school. My 17 year old son, Riley, was along for the ride. All of them had a half-day and I was putting in my time as nice/cool mom, springing for In N Out Burger. On the way, Aidan’s friend, we’ll call him Dumbass to protect the innocent, struck up a conversation with Riley. Dumbass had seen Riley when he and his father and uncle had dined at Riley’s employment.

Dumbass felt the need to explain which man was NOT his father and then floated some comment about his uncle being “special”. Aidan started laughing so there was no way I was letting that go without an explanation. “What’s so special about him?”

You should know Dumbass has a distinctive yet hauntingly familiar speech pattern. I can’t wait until his friends discover Beavis and Butthead. This kid is toast. In this case, I will fully support the bullying that ensues.

There was an inordinate amount of uhs, grunts and wells. I thought maybe the uncle was intellectually challenged so my blood was starting to boil. But when he finally spit it out, “He’s a homosexual”, I felt the ends of my hair ignite. Riley was sitting in the front seat and I heard him mutter under his breath, “ohhh shit”. He knows me well. Ding Ding.

Here’s a sampling of our exchanges:
Me: What’s special about that?
Dumbass: Well, uh, duh, um the bible says it’s wrong?
He actually phrased it as a question. “Son, there ain’t no draft no more.” “There was one?”

Me: Is your uncle a good person? A kind person? Is he loving towards you and your brothers?
Dumbass: Uh, duh, well, um, yeah.
Me: Then why do you care who he’s fucking?
I brought out the big guns. And I’m not sorry. I wanted him to feel embarrassed. Trust me when I tell you that Dumbass’ mom does not drop the f bomb. Pretty sure she doesn’t do the f bomb either.

Me: You understand that people are born with a genetic map that dictates who they find attractive.
Dumbass: Huh?
Me: Gay people are born gay.
Riley: Not all girls.
Me: Stop watching porn.
Me: You know there’s some evidence that homosexuality can be an inherited gene.
Dumbass: Wait, no. My brothers and I aren’t gay.
Me: But one or more of your children may be. None of my children have red hair but I’m pretty confident one of my grandchildren will be a redhead.
Now I’m starting to worry that Dumbass and his brothers are being subjected to conversion therapy.

Dumbass: I know people are homosexuals but I just don’t want to be friends with them.
Me: Why?
Dumbass: It’s disgusting.
Me: So when you meet someone, you’re not wondering if they are smart or interesting or funny. The first thing you want to know is who they have sex with? Do you think that’s appropriate information for you to have?
Dumbass: Duh, um, well no.

The friends got in on the act.
Friend 1: So if we’re still friends when we’re like 35 and I decide to turn gay, we won’t be friends anymore even though we’ve been friends for like 20 years?
Me: You don’t turn gay, but good effort.

Friend 2: I wouldn’t care if one of my kids were gay. I’d love them no matter what.
Me: That’s right. That’s good parenting. You love your children unconditionally.
Aidan: (Laughing) Love is conditional in Dumbass’ house.
Wow. That is a sad and probably accurate truth. Ugh, I should be kinder to this poor kid. Afterall, this isn’t his fault. He has been programmed with this garbage. I’m thinking it’s time to back off. I’ll have at least the next 4 years of high school to turn this kid around. Also, his parents are litigating attorneys and they know where we live.

We finish lunch but I can’t let it go completely.
Me: Did you just eat cheese on top of meat?
Dumbass: Duh, uh, yeah, why?
Me: The bible says you shouldn’t have.
Cheers erupt from the peanut gallery.


Happy Birthday to Me

Disclaimer: I am 2 bourbons and a large margarita in

Disclaimer 2: I pour bourbon at home 3:1

I turned 46 years old today. It was the best birthday I can remember in a long time. I can say that now because I can actually still remember today. Tomorrow may be another story.

45 sucked ass. I made my birthday plans in July of the previous year feeling a strong pull towards a milestone birthday. I’d worked hard on my body and fitness since He Who Should Not Be Named But Kissed Lots showed up. So in an effort to prove something to myself and kick off the second half, I planned an epic ski trip. I envisioned testing my mettle on Mammoth’s treacherous backside, proving not only that I’ve still got it, but that I’ve gotten more of it than ever.

And then the fucking blizzard of the fucking century blew in. And I skied a ½ day of a four day vacation. And I drank. And I cried.

What I didn’t realize then was that 45 was actually the end of the first half. Time to retreat to the locker room for review and strategy. 46 is actually the milestone. 46 is the beginning of the second half and I’m up by a lot; a whole 46 years of life experience, good and bad (but not terrible) and I am a fucking force to be reckoned with.

46 is rad. At 45 you’re so much older than those goddam 40 year olds. But at 46! At 46, you’re so much younger than 50 year olds!

So today I had a pretty typical day but the sun was shining and I was so grateful for my health, my strength and the love in my life. I bill myself as an antisocial curmudgeon. But the truth is I just have a very discerning palate. Perhaps not my most lovable quality, but I put up a stone cold front. All of you within reach of this manifesto have worn down my edge and brought magic into my life. You have taught me things, made me laugh, challenged me to continue to grow.

Today I heard from friends all over, not acquaintances, but people that know the real raw me. And yet you are still willing to love me. You wished me a happy birthday. It came true. Thank you for your love and friendship.

It’s time to closeout with a nightcap. Bourbon #3 (9?) is calling. Cereal and school lunch for everyone tomorrow!

‘Twas the Night Before School Started: A Trip to Costco

Winter break has come to an end and so my carefree days of making umpteen staggered breakfasts and lunches, and cleaning the dishes that go along with them, do to. I headed out to Costco on Sunday to replenish sack lunch staples and refill the after school snack drawer.

There of course was the expected crowd of rude people but am I really the only one that understands the implied, albeit unwritten, rules of Costco?

1  At my Costco, flow of traffic is counterclockwise. You enter and track right. Seriously, there’s nowhere else to go. So why are people coming at me, three lanes wide, as if I have entered a one-way street the wrong way?

2  Costco has funneled the cattle call this way through unnecessary tools, unneeded sporting equipment and enough batteries to fuel your flux capacitor in order to guarantee you lose your husband and children in the first 3 minutes. By jettisoning sample stuffing, discretionary spending personnel, you are guaranteed to cut 15 minutes off your shopping excursion. It’s actually a perk to membership.

3  The rules of the road extend to carts and aisles. Drive on the right. Do not enter the flow of traffic from an arterial offshoot without safe distance or being given the right of way. Do not EVEN try to make a left from aforementioned arterial offshoot. Are you trying to kill someone? (see Rule 1) Do not double park in front of the sample table. Frankly, with your ass, it’s more like triple parked.

But that’s not the reason for my call today.

What I was most shocked and appalled by was the number of Christmas returns on January 7th. I’m not talking about, “Gee Johnny got a PS4 from both grandmas.” I’m taking about brightly colored lights, ornaments and strands of garlands. The return line was one after the other, a virtual parade of the ghosts of Christmas past.

My disdain and disgust quickly melted into astonished admiration. While my attic is crammed with dusty boxes of half broken ornaments and malfunctioning light strands, these evil geniuses are essentially renting fresh decorations annually, for free. To look the Costco clerk in the eye and ask for a refund 12 days after Christmas, knowing full well Costco demands no explanation and enforces no expiration. The glittering balls on these people!

Oh, and

4  Get your fat fuck of a kid out of my way because I will not be sorry when I “accidentally” bump him.

Bluetooth in the Shower: Why didn’t I think of that?

My father would have made an excellent White House Correspondent. His direct questions and hard hitting follow up really drill down to extract pertinent information.

Here’s an actual transcript of our last call inquiring about my 17 y/o son.

Me: Hello

Father: Does Riley have Bluetooth in his car? Let’s dispense with the pleasantries.

Me: Yes, why?

Father: So he can talk on the phone while he’s driving? I know what fucking Bluetooth is and its primary function. I’m sticking with my original answer.

Me: Yes, why?

Father: He can answer a call while he’s in his car? Maybe I don’t understand what Bluetooth is and he’s backing me into a corner. What’s your endgame, Old Man? My only chance is to stick to the original story.

Me: Yes, WHY????

Father: I just tried to call him and he didn’t answer. Long pause. He thinks he’s trapped me.

Me: He’s not in his car. Hah!

Father: Where is he? So accusatory.

Me: In the shower. And he doesn’t have Bluetooth in the shower.